the author (eloquentwthrage) wrote,
the author

Where's Mrs. Olsen when you need her??

Folgers Coffee has a new ad campaign that might just make you want to stop drinking coffee.

Okay, just Folgers brand coffee. My bad.

"Tolerate mornings" is the message in their utterly annoying and downright dislikable television spot featuring several dozen yellow people. No, I'm not talking Asians, I mean people in yellow makeup and yellow wigs wearing yellow clothes marching out of a new day's dawn and into the bedrooms and bathrooms of some of the grumpiest folks you could ever meet in the morning. Not only are they yellow, they're singing. "You can sleep when you are dead!" and other vacuous lyrics in the perkiest voices you can imagine. You might think it sounds like a cute idea, right? Maybe it looked good on the storyboards, but it utterly fails on the screen. It's not funny or entertaining, and it's not even strange enough to be quirky. It's just bad.

Of course, a cup of Folgers Coffee ends the commercial as the cure for these incessant yellow drones. That is, if you haven't hit Mute or just changed channels altogether by the time someone actually gets around to drinking any of that Folgers Coffee. But wait! You get a reward for making it to the end, a web link: How clever! Oh, wait: no.

A coffee stain brings you to a raised blind at a sunny window. Mousing over said blind draws it down, and you're in a kitchen with a coffeemaker, a little TV set, and (of course) your Folgers Coffee, which links to their retail website. Big surprise. There are a couple of things you can do in your kitchen, such as watch the god-awful commercial that brought you to the site to begin with. Perhaps there will be future installments to torture us. Great. You can download the "Snooze Saver" if you wish to advertise for Folgers on your computer; I think I'll pass on that. You can also download the "Boss Tracker," a pointless little program that allows you and your fellow employees to post the movements of your boss in a virtual version of your office. Internet security in business being what it is these days, the number of corporations allowing unmonitored downloads of crappy little programs like this is dwindling everyday, even if someone actually wanted it. I couldn't get their "Auto Response Email" to work, and I'm not behind a firewall or security protocols. And despite their privacy policy, I didn't brave the "Wake-Up Call" for fear of Folgers-themed phone messages at odd hours of the day and night. Hearing that song again might cause spontaneous decapitation, and I'm not taking any chances.

It's understandable that Folgers would be willing to try anything to get people to actually make coffee at home in the morning again rather than picking it up at Starbucks or whatever local convenience store has the best morning blend. It's unfortunate that they chose this bizarre venue in an attempt to attract buyers. At least there's a smidgen of good news: it might make good pop-culture fodder for a future episode of Family Guy or The Simpsons.

Edited, 8-18-07
: The offending commercial is no longer viewable on the site; it's just a big Folger's ad now.
Tags: food, television

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